A Life of Undying Commitment: Falling in Love

As a young Christian man, I can't wait to marry, and I certainly can't wait to make love to my wife. I believe sex is one of the greatest gifts God has given to mankind. In fact, one of the most lovely, genuine descriptions of passionate, poetic erotica is found in the Bible! Just linger in the beauty of Song of Songs, "Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies... Thou has ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; thou has ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; thou has ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck... Thy lips, O my spouse, drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue" (Songs 4:5, 9, 11 KJV). I find Song of Songs to be a particularly positive celebration of human love and sexuality within the context of marriage. Sex is meant to be beautiful, to be cherished and desired. God wants us to enjoy His creation, for His creation is "very good" (Gen. 1:31).

While The Song of Songs displays sexuality in such a radiant light, one specific verse jumps out at me, "[do] not stir up or awaken love until it pleases" (Songs 3:5 ESV). Before I came to know God and know about his love, I really struggled with a fitting understanding of sex. I have known what it's like to have lust govern my heart. In the past, I've tried to quench the need for intimacy in my life with the many ways the world offers me: casual hookups, pornography, and even long-term relationships where the fixation is on self-satisfaction, without any regard for honoring God through it. All of these physical pleasures appeared to 'fix' the problem of intimacy at the surface, but deep down, all this did was provide me with a lustful buzz soaked in transient feelings of pleasure and self-validation. Hooking up was quick fix for self-doubt, a need for acceptance, to feel wanted, hot and loved. But after it was done, it was done, and left me just as empty. I didn't find the love and intimacy I longed for. All these physical pleasures didn't quench my thirst; it only made me thirstier - for real, consuming, passionate, ever-lasting love.

At the time, the prospects of how to fill this void in my life seemed bleak. I was nearing the end of my high school years and had reached a point where I had put my girlfriend on such a pedestal as the source of both my happiness and sadness, hoping that she was going to complete me. I became clinically depressed. I felt so broken, so empty. I had internalized my angst to the point that each passing day only drove me closer to the ground until I had nowhere to go but to my knees. Humbled, I replaced my girlfriend on the pedestal with God, and, as a result, my perspective was changed. I no longer looked to her for the source of my fulfillment and happiness, but it was now God who would provide. He was creating a new heart in me, a heart desperate for Him. He filled my life with love, His true love that changed how I saw everything.

Over the next few months my heart was made entirely new. I started to see new qualities in women that I hadn't seen before. I started to see my family differently. I started to love. I began to realize that just as God created water for good purposes, floods and tidal waves are water without control, destructive and frightening. It became clear that the more power something has to do good, the more it has the capability of inflicting an equal magnitude of destruction. When we desire to please our flesh rather than experience the blessings God has for us outside of marriage in honoring His will, we open ourselves up to the abuse and perversion of such an amazing gift. As a result, purity took on an entirely different meaning, no longer holding prudish and dispassionate connotations, instead becoming the guarding of my body, mind, and soul from influences that were driving me away from a selfless disposition grounded in selfless love, drawing me away from God.

Much like the verses from Song of Songs, Proverbs helped my understanding of sex marriage. Just look at these verses from Proverbs: "Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving doe, a graceful deer. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love" (Prov. 5:18-19 NLT). I began to understand that sex within marriage was not about self-satisfaction and filling a void of intimacy and admiration, but about commitment and an undying love. The marriage vow, "till death do us part," demands a loving, sacrificial commitment that depends not on circumstance, but upon faith and love.

In spite of this new perspective Christ gave me senior year of high school, I was not completely fulfilled. I had initially thought that, with my newfound understanding of love and purity, all my problems would go away and that I would feel completely satisfied. Yet while a part of my soul had been greatly healed, another piece of my soul felt an ever-greater longing, and the solutions I found didn't satisfy my desire for intimacy. I was still not sure what to do with the Bible's emphasis on the goodness of sex within marriage, and my own desire to marry some day. What was I to do in the meantime if I have to wait a long time before I marry, or if I don't get married at all? For a long time, like many Christians waiting for marriage, I took hold of the statement "true love waits" and became overly fixated on waiting. But in adopting that mantra, I felt I lost perspective that God alone is everything. I've now simply stopped waiting. This is not because I want to sleep with women before I'm married! To the contrary, I finally understand that He is not to be confused with the gifts of marriage and sex. Marriage and are great, but God is even greater - He is the giver of these gifts. He is not just a means to the life we think He would want us to have; God is life itself!

Augustine wrote, "God, you have made us for yourself, and our hearts are restless until they find rest in you." We can never find fulfillment in this world, for our hearts are designed to long for home - to long for Heaven. On the other hand, God's gifts in this world, although good, will be always imperfect, tainted by humanity's imperfection. God's love for me, on the other hand, is perfect, and satisfies my heart's desire. Even God's gifts ultimately point toward Himself! When making love within marriage, two human beings are unified in a powerful mingling of two souls and bodies, illuminating and modeling the relationship God has with us. Marriage is not just about enjoying an earthly love; rather, it is about enjoying and growing toward God. Yes, I still long to "know" my wife, but how much greater does the artist know his painting than the man the artist sells his painting to. So it is with God.

We are often still led astray in believing that it's about us. We fool ourselves into believing that marriage is about us and that within its bounds we are completely fulfilled - the focal point still on ourselves. But the more I give myself to God, the more it becomes not about sex and my own happiness but about Agape. It becomes about God's infinite love for His creation, and our receiving that love undeserved in grace. God is Agape - God is love. He is the source of all gifts, all good things, and it is in Him that I place my hope, my love, and my desires. I no longer want to live like I'm waiting for something. I want to live for Him, knowing that His timing is perfect with all things. I want to live for Him as He gives my life purpose - my singleness purpose. As I live for Him, satisfied now, I will one day be able to love my wife more perfectly if I marry. More importantly, I can now love everyone more perfectly - all the time. Agape.

Faith and Love,
Dylan