Confessions Entry 13

Entry 13

There are no truer words than those that say, “there is no greater love than for a man to lay down his life for his friend.”  In the end it all comes together. To suffer on this earth is the closest we can come to God, and it is through the suffering through death that we meet out creator in Heaven. There is thus no greater love on earth than for a man to suffer for Christ, for it is in suffering that he will find peace, hope and love in its entirety on earth. It is through suffering for another that we truly love, and it is in dying both figuratively and physically that we truly are given new life.

How counter intuitive it is to live in this way – to seek out suffering for love’s sake, to seek out our figurative death in order to live. Then again it only makes perfect sense, as it is through this way of living that reflects the humblest of circumstances. All of life in Christ is dictated by a humble means of existence. Christ lived a humble existence - Christ came into this world in the humblest of circumstances – so too must our ultimate happiness come in our letting go of our pride and seeking out the most humble of circumstances for lasting joy. Man can still have materials, but he must ‘die’ to them as the source of his happiness. He must not be waived in the gain nor waived in the loss of them. Therefore as I have reflected upon these Confessions of St. Augustine I have crucified myself in the flesh with Christ for I desire to see something more beautiful than the lusting of the flesh, and I see to it that I suffer with him through the temptations that come and go just as he has borne my sin on the cross. For to live is Christ, and to live is to boast in my weaknesses, for it is when I am weak, He is strong. 

Confessions Entry 12

Entry 12

What we value has the potential to both bring us the most happiness, and on the contrary the most sadness. If a man values the praise of another man, he will undoubtedly find sadness in another man’s scorn, while utmost joy in another man’s affirmation.  When we put our treasure in Christ, and rely on him for the source of our peace we are brought to sorrow in a man’s rejection of Christ, and delight in his acceptance. A man should find it his duty to help steward others to Christ through both his actions and his speech - lest how selfish it would be to find a great treasure in a field and share it with no one but oneself? If we truly place our entire joy in Christ, Christ should play a role in all we do. We should strive to glorify God in our conversations, our meals, our work, and most importantly in our relationships.

As I near the end of Augustine’s Confessions I find it as my utmost duty to find my greatest joy in Christ. To quote Les Miserables, “To love another person is to see the face of God.” This is what is all comes down to. My pursuit in this life is to love the people I come into contact with each day while giving time and energy to my God-honoring vocation of becoming a missionary doctor. To lose sight of this is to lose sight of Christ. Whatever it is we feel called to do in life let us conduct in in such a way that love is at the forefront of our motives. When we put love first we become more equipped to better handle the pressures and expectations the world projects on us. When we reach out to others, we reach out to God - it no longer becomes about us, it becomes about Him.

Confessions Entry 11

Entry 11

When temptation knocks how must I answer? The flesh will fail me until I hate the flesh in its lusting and desiring of things that are not of you. All my desiring flows from an incomplete rest in you. Oh seeker, you sought for me. I gird myself for battle. The battle for the flesh is one in which I am weak, but you are strong. Fount of life you are forever the same. I have no right to seek joy outside of you, my Lord. I can see the light before I see the sunrise, Father. Call and shout. Please don’t stop desiring me, Lord, because there are times when I don’t desire you and my heart is so far from you that I have so thoroughly convinced myself that I can find happiness aside from you.

            Help me to remember that my spirituality and my happiness and joy is found in my relations with others. Help me to remember that in this world I am going to have many troubles, Lord, but that you have conquered the world I live in. I love you, and you will continue to fight for me even when I can’t find the strength to fight for you. My spirit is strong, but my flesh will constantly be weak. Wash away my blindness. I’m alive again.

            Lord, help me to feel what it feels like to be strong in you. This last month, as I so feel every January has been a struggle. I don’t want baseball to be a source of stress in my life. I desire to give it to you, and surrender it to you. You have died in my place, Lord. Help me to remember that there is no resurrection without death.  When I am empty, my soul is beautiful for it is devoid of all that is not you. Jesus, you kept the faith in me. Keep the faith in me.

            You have delivered me from temptation. I meditate on things that are pleasing, holy, and good, and you have given me a hope in your name. In the desert of temptation there is much to fear, and much that can bring a man to the ground, but in looking up the light of the heavens illuminates the path of righteousness and the path to joy in you. 

Confessions Entry 10

Entry 10

            Where are you, my Lord that you have drifted from my heart? No, it is I who have fallen off the path of your name. What drives man to stress? Is it a worry that he cannot do something himself? What causes man to worry? A man cannot worry unless he has little faith. A man will worry in the face of his pride. Lord, in my unbelief help me to believe. Let me not come to you only when I need you, for I need you each and every day. I very often feel that my relationship with you is based on that which causes me stress or anxiety, lest I feel like things have gotten out of my own control. Father, let me praise you in my stress and anxiety knowing that you have taken me from these days of worry in my past and brought me to your verdant pastures beside the quiet waters of your soul. Let my mind be at ease and be transported to the pastures of your peaceful presence where I lie in wait for nothing but your loving embrace. Father, to stress and worry is to lack faith, and Father, I believe, but, help my unbelief - I plead you. To be at peace in your presence is to be calm amongst the tempest. Often in my storm of my heart the external world may be exceptionally radiant, while I, in the sickness of my own heart create a dark cloud that brings the utmost unhappiness to mind. Wipe away the griminess from my heart and soul and create within me a new heart that wants one thing on this earth, Lord – your love.

            In my joy I find you, for all other joy is passing and joy that I cannot hold onto. All other joy from the world is joy that must be continually sought after and won over just as a child goes to a fair to bid for his chance for a stuffed animal without any guarantee that he might win it. But Lord, how much greater are you! You are the smile from the man passing by whose name I know not of, but whose heart is large and spirit is full. It is not transactional. It is selfless, kind, freeing. Free me from the cares of success in the world, and make me a servant of your house, Lord, where I am free to give and receive the selfless love that gives and keeps on giving. My soul aches for that, and my soul aches for that which will nourish the void beneath its tempest. I put my trust in you, and I release myself from the worries and pressures of this world in the hope that you will catch me and lift me up higher every time I fall. Concede mihi fidem, concede mihi pacem.   

Confessions Entry 9

Entry 9

Thank you Father for another beautiful day on this earth. Your goodness spans the vast expanse of the universe and your creation sings your praises. Lord, I feel it. I feel your presence, and your love. Here’s my heart, Lord, take and seal it. How wonderful a feeling it is that I should look upon the days before I knew you and say how much better my life is with you in it. I am neither above pain nor suffering, but I am free from its bondage.

How important discipline is in all aspects of life. If one can discipline himself spiritually he will then be most capable of carrying that discipline onwards to span the duties of his daily existence. It all starts with waking up and resisting the urge to check your E-mail, Twitter, Facebook, or text messages, but instead let that first thought be a few words of thanksgiving to God for waking you up, and asking for the strength to get through the day as He wills. It’s the discipline to open the Word and soak in His grace - to center your mind and heart on the things more important than the trivialities of life. This is my offering to you, God. I will give you my life for it’s all I have to give because you gave your life for me. I may not have much to offer, but what I have is yours.