Confessions Entry 5

Entry 5

Happy is the man with the least desires, and greatest love. Many are his pursuits, few are his worries. Blessed is the man who walks in the way of the light and is illuminated in the darkness. Deliver me from my anxiety, and fear, O Lord, for you have commanded me to be at peace. I know that fear and anxiety are not of you, and I rebuke that in your holy name. Comfort me, sustain me, and nourish my aching soul. I came into this world naked, and you clothed me. I came into this world hungry, and you gave me food. I came into this world empty and you fulfilled me.

There is a certain stillness you occupy in my heart – a stillness that when I sit in an empty room casts out the restlessness of my own mind. I can feel my breath, I can feel your spirit. I inhale as the air rushes in – pause – for a split second I am nothing – I exhale and my face relaxes; my diaphragm loosens it’s pull on my chest. I am surrounded by silence. From where will my next thought come from? You called and you shouted, Father. I willingly answer your call. I no longer desire to live with deaf ears. Remind me who I am in you. Awaken and emblazon my passion for you. I’m alive again.

There is a continual rejuvenation that is needed everyday to connect with God. Relinquish me from my own vanity. I know that I need to give you time each day, and yet I fill my hours with nothingness. I fill my days with the toils of the world. What is your will for me, Lord? I want my seconds, my minutes, and hours to be bathed in your reflection. My selfishness beckons and calls to be met as a means to self-validation and pleasure. Father, you are both a means and an end to my vanity. The highest good a man can have in this life is to love him and give his life for him. Yet, this does not need to be a physical giving of life, but a figurative sacrifice. Let me sacrifice my time and my energy for the betterment of some around me. Let my life be a living testimony to your saving grace. I desire to go out from my campus and spread your name not in words but in my actions first and foremost. My anxiety and depression of heart are a result of my extreme selfishness. If I but step outside of my own world for an hour and let my energy be directed to giving, surely I shall feel your burning love, and validation. I soak in your presence. There is nothing I want more than to feel your love on my face – feel your embrace that gives me a peace insurmountable on this earth.