Confessions Entry 10

Entry 10

            Where are you, my Lord that you have drifted from my heart? No, it is I who have fallen off the path of your name. What drives man to stress? Is it a worry that he cannot do something himself? What causes man to worry? A man cannot worry unless he has little faith. A man will worry in the face of his pride. Lord, in my unbelief help me to believe. Let me not come to you only when I need you, for I need you each and every day. I very often feel that my relationship with you is based on that which causes me stress or anxiety, lest I feel like things have gotten out of my own control. Father, let me praise you in my stress and anxiety knowing that you have taken me from these days of worry in my past and brought me to your verdant pastures beside the quiet waters of your soul. Let my mind be at ease and be transported to the pastures of your peaceful presence where I lie in wait for nothing but your loving embrace. Father, to stress and worry is to lack faith, and Father, I believe, but, help my unbelief - I plead you. To be at peace in your presence is to be calm amongst the tempest. Often in my storm of my heart the external world may be exceptionally radiant, while I, in the sickness of my own heart create a dark cloud that brings the utmost unhappiness to mind. Wipe away the griminess from my heart and soul and create within me a new heart that wants one thing on this earth, Lord – your love.

            In my joy I find you, for all other joy is passing and joy that I cannot hold onto. All other joy from the world is joy that must be continually sought after and won over just as a child goes to a fair to bid for his chance for a stuffed animal without any guarantee that he might win it. But Lord, how much greater are you! You are the smile from the man passing by whose name I know not of, but whose heart is large and spirit is full. It is not transactional. It is selfless, kind, freeing. Free me from the cares of success in the world, and make me a servant of your house, Lord, where I am free to give and receive the selfless love that gives and keeps on giving. My soul aches for that, and my soul aches for that which will nourish the void beneath its tempest. I put my trust in you, and I release myself from the worries and pressures of this world in the hope that you will catch me and lift me up higher every time I fall. Concede mihi fidem, concede mihi pacem.